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arterialxfear

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Love boys as friends, hate them in romance.... [Jan. 2nd, 2007|10:01 pm]
arterialxfear
It just makes me want to shove a spoon in their booty!!!! I would probably be disently fine with the guy I like not talk ing to me ever again if thats what he did. One week he'll talk to me and be all cute, the next he has a 24 hour bug that makes you a blind deaf mute. So I go over to my friends house I know he's going to be there so I'm praying that I don't get stressed out cause thats usually what happens. Then I'm thinking I should have just gone to that party with Tiff why am I being so stupid putting myself in a stressful state????? Because I love Abby and shes awesome thats why!!!!! WE had plans we were going to have a nice dinner cooked by my second mom watch naruto and play karoke til the break of dawn. It just would'nt have been the same had I done something else. Anyway sooo I'm like I'm not going to let him get to me, he's either going to ignore me or he's going to talk to me and stress me out. But he had'nt talked to me in a while and since I know his patterns I knew it was time for him to talk to me. And sure enough, well he did'nt really talk to me alot but he was really sweet and helpful let us use his amp(is that how you spell it????)for tyhe microphone since the dvd player did'nt have a hook up. Which he searched for and then got out the manual to see if there was then he let us use his microphone since we only had one and he's stingy about his stuff most of the time. And I knew he did'nt want to hear us sing and he hates our music. If you knew him like I knew him you'd know that that was a very, very sweet thing to do. WOW look at the small essay I'm writing ???? I'm not absessing about this at all. I just wish he was consistant, I'm a girl I have gay feelings and emotions that I can't help and he jerksme back and forth. I would'nt care if he ever talked to me again if he'd only tell me that he liked me then at least I'd know that I meant something to a boy finally ...one that I've liked more than any other. It really does'nt mean anything but I'm a girl and I'm gay sooooo yeah it kinda does. Even if I found out he did like me I don't think that we'd ever date just because I don't feel like we're meant for each other we'd contradict to much as friends we'd be fine which is all I wan to be I know that sound s confusing but it is all I want to be. I need a hot asian freshly spit out of japan thats diffrent from me and the same so we balance each other out. I think the main reason why I'd never date him is because of how he acts when we're mot dating. Not consistant(what do you want from me?), Not good at communicating(just tell me you like methats all I want I did the hardest part for you), Not to open-minded(he's not as bad as he use to be but still.... he won't dance I like to dance,I know he won't cosplay come on it will be fun, but nnnnnoooooooooooo) and some other stuff. I think he thinks that I want to date him and really I don't, yeah for the most part I don't(because duh it would never out and thats ok, we're diffrent), and I think that he thinks that that ill cause problems between me him and abby which I understand. BUt he dose'nt know that abby knows and if he would just talk to me about everything he'd figure out that it's really not hat complicated and that he's the one making it that way. I suppose it does'nt help that I make a complete foolout of myself around him all of the time. I find it hard to be my self around him because I feel like I'm being critized all of the time. Which is another reason I don't want to dat ehim people who like or love you should'nt make you feel that way about yourself. And I think that we could be good for each other but if he thinks he to good I don't need someone like that around. But mabey he's just shy I don't know???? I just wish he'd talk to me it's not like it was'nt hard for me to talk to him about liking him. But that was my decision and to an extent I should'nbt hold him to my standards for my self. I don't know I hate this whole thing hopefully I'll be over it soon eeven though I don't want to I want it to e resolved. Because unresolved things come back and shove a spoon in your booty....and that would be awfully uncomfortable. Sorry for wasting your time if you got all the way through I just needed to get the out(pant, pant) been holding that in for awhile.
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yeah ok....... [Nov. 7th, 2006|12:47 am]
arterialxfear
I havent been on in forever I miss the internet especially now that Ive figured out all Ive been missing. All of the new videos on you tube I jussssssst need to watch that agin and again and again. Thats it I'm going to fix my paypal account and I'm going to order some music video dvds. I'm a music video junkie and I can't even help it and I don't even care. And OMG Shoxx at hottopic what is this?????? I don't even care this is a big pile of not care I have in my hands its mine you cant have it.And I just find out that All American Rejects is doing a concert I don't even care I never thought that I'd be able to. I dont even care. I wish I could take a yoga class or something an activity that involves bodly movement I need it. And I need to get this tooth pulled like 5 seconds from now.Work is going decent, the guy I like is still getting on my nerves(...if only I could get together with the lead singer 12012 mabey I could forget about him ....huuuuu wishfull thinking I hate being a girl with nasty emotions), I'm still not living at my apartment cause I suck ...and that reminds me emi if read this would you want to come stay with me till me lease gets up?????? I like toast ....sorry theres this community ad at the top of the page that says fan of toast join my community.... interesting.... Ok I think I'm done for now, yay!
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(no subject) [Aug. 23rd, 2006|01:41 pm]
arterialxfear
Nothing has really been going on..... I met Mark's girlfriend yesterday and she's sweet as pie! Thats all I can say thats the only way I can discribe her sweet as pie!Cause she really is sweet as pie!When they dicribed her they were like she crazy shes psycho .....sweet as pie!!!! She has to be one of the most genuinly sweetest people I have ever met in my entire life. I mean there are people you meet that are nice but not everyone is sweet, shes sweet!! Kat skippe school today and know one can find her. I just got here I thought they would have found her by now I can't even think of where she would be. I called Jerred he has'nt seen her. ...I don't know I ust hope and pray that I can find her she was upset yesterday sooo was I usually we could talk to her abou it. But we've be distant lately. Because I don't like the way shes living her life right now. It was stressing me out ....but I'm learning that I have no control over her or her actions. That I can't hold myself responsible which I tend to do alot. I love my friends when their hurting I'm hurting and Kats hurting. But I've done all I can now all I can do is pray for her and hope for the best, be there for her but make sure that I don't let her actions drag me down. Thats why healthy distance, but let her know that I will still always be here for her. Well I'm going to go look for her ..... I'm excited about the concert tomorrow. I hope everything goes well And I hope more than anything I find Kat.


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(no subject) [Aug. 21st, 2006|11:49 am]
arterialxfear
Sooooooo I love what I've done with my livingroom I just don't even know!!!! It's beautifull I could stare at it forever and ever. My room is partially finished I jussssssssssssssst need like to more poster picture frames and then I don't know I'm just filled with glee right now. My kitchen looks better not that great but better I put random pics of me and friends up and some DBZ wallscrolls I was just sick of the blank wall space I was going to start on the bathroom but I could find my construction paper it's driving me insane. I need background colors for these pics so I can put them up but nnooooooo. I don't want to play this game I don't want to play hide and seek and I definatley don't want to be it. Because I can never find people and I can't run fast I suck...so yeah. I wonder what it would be like to meet yoshiki, I'm going to find out too I will meet him I don't even care I said that I would meet dir en grey and I did. I know I'll meet yoshiki, I never dreamed I'd meet mana though that was just weird... and now that Gacket doing stuff with Yo-chan the likely-ness of me meeting him has gone up aswell. I'm a woman on a mission.... and I get to see dir en grey again!!! Curtesy(If I didn't spell it right leave me alone....) of Crystal. I really want it to be Kaoru and Shinya but at the same time I really want to meet die and toshiya cause I haven't met them yet and I'm like in love with toshiya. I do believe if I had to pick a favorite it would be toshiya. 12012 was like ubber nice too OMG they were sooo friendly and cuteThe lead singer a shameless flirt.I weant to see them again and I probably could "but lets face it their not very good at planning things"(see curious go like 3 post back follow crytals laughter if you get lost)are they????
If I tried to drive to texas no one would ever hear from me again. Wow I wrote alot! Do I have anything else to say... I slept like 10 hours last night I have a physical tomorrow whoppdifreakindo!!!! They next 3 days are going to be supper busy.... I don't want to think about it but I do want some pop....and for some strange reason I want to see Erica's aunt she amkes me laugh.
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(no subject) [Aug. 19th, 2006|08:06 pm]
arterialxfear
Ok, so tonight will be my first night back in my apartment it's going to be so weird. I'm glad to be back thogh sooooooooooo glad now I have what my mom calls "my sancturary" back. I have a place to collect my thoughts I can clean and decorate and ....just be martha stewart all I want. It relaxs me just thinking about it. I'm so excited!!!!!! Ok so I talked to abby yesterday and what I thought was a brave forward attempt at telling phil I like him ...well... I think it failed because boys are dumb asnd she's says that she does'nt think that he got it and I believe her. He treated me the same as he always does. I also think this because girls flirt with him all the time and he never gets it. They'll be like she was so flirting with you and he'll be like no she was'nt and they're like ok, whatever phil. What do I have to do !!!!!! I'm soooo sick of this crap !!! He just needs to relize it!!!!!!!!!AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....me hardys...no just joking but I really am upset. I just have to go back to the drawing board I guess. I anybody has any ideas don't hesitate to tell me cause I'm coming to my wits end with this and someday I'm just going to end up yelling it at him then he'll think that I'm stark raving mad. I hate this......


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(no subject) [Aug. 16th, 2006|02:16 pm]
arterialxfear
Hey sorry I havent posted theres been too much drama with everybody....the one thats bothering me the most is savanna's mom calling me a dopehead when she knows nothing about me which ended up with me and savanna bawling our eyes out and walking into an oblivian(I think thats how you spell it....). Anyway I've picked up an odd job helping the guy that my mom cleans house for pack and unpack stuff from one house to another....this dude has 3 house.....3!!! He owns a landscaping bussiness his name is Vance and he's sooo funny he cracks me up....anyway Kats poking me cause she wants to go pick up savanna from school so her mom can think that I'm giving her dope once again cause I'm balck and I'm a dope head which is worse than the fact that her own two sons are the same way and shes knows and allows it in her house around her 6 and 10 year old but thats just how I feel.... I'll explain further later....


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(no subject) [Aug. 12th, 2006|05:24 pm]
arterialxfear
Sooooooooo I went to get in my car to go to jareds last night and my car would'nt start....Someone remind me the bonus features of growing up again?????? Ohh yeah smoking ...but I don't do that ....drinking uuuhuhhmmm....but I don't do that either....how about driving....that cost money ...wait for it ohhh yeah I'm broke.....moving out thats god that a bonus feature accept.....I'm poor...... Peter you douche!!! get from behind that tree making out with wendy and come get me AAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel ya tink I feel ya.


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(no subject) [Aug. 10th, 2006|11:13 pm]
arterialxfear
Today was nice it was a normal day it was the first morning all week that I did'nt have an aniexty attack. I think I just confronted some stuff and got it under control so thats really cool. I had fun I cut finch's hair and tiffany's hair it looks good I can't wait to go to beauty school eventually to expand upon my already exsisting god given talents. All I can think about is dir en grey, the concert and "him". I'm excited and scared not as scared as I was about it. You would think after my talk with my co worker darren about moshing(getting chocked in the head bleeding down your back pushing through a sea of possed people throwing their bodies about like fish out of water etc....) I'd be more concerned but it acktually loosened me up. We laughed I feel good about everything and I'm really excited about the people who are going to be staying with my for the concert I love meeting new people especially when they're freakin awesome. Which I have a strong feeling they will be. My friend amanda asked me if I was going to go to onicon this year and I told her if we drove then I would go because plane tickets are what kill me everytime.....she said she's seeing about her sister taking us and us all taking turns driving .....BUt lets face it they're not very good at planning stuff. And I probably can't get the time off anyway I told her that if we were'nt driving I was'nt even going to bother asking. I juuuuuuuuuuuuuust want to see 12012(mostly the singer.....again!!), but it's most likely not going to happen and I'm not even trippin off it(sorry it's the black coming out in me). Anything else????... oh yeah I ate 5 pieces of pizza tonight I did'nt think that I'd ever be able to do that again. I mae my friends jared and finch listen to dane cook they loved it of course! "I grabbed him by the big throat and said "F" you shark....."

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(no subject) [Aug. 9th, 2006|10:20 pm]
arterialxfear
So today I had to deal with doche bags again major..... But the day turned out alright, I talked to "him" today ...and I asked him if he had seen that new will ferral movie? and he said no and that his sister had seen it and said that it was ok. But that she didn't have good taste in movies anyway. Then I asked him if he planned on seeing it? he said yeah that he was going to go see it with his brother. But I didn't give up I was like well if you ever want to see a movie and no else wants to see it with you you can always go with me....I know that was so hot right??????!!! and he said ok. I felt like things went really well and that I got the point across. I did'nt feel like it was cheesy or gay I felt like it flowed. There were some ackward pauses but it felt natural even if he decided that he didn't like me I'm proud of myself for doing something that I never thought I'd be bold enough to do. Sooooooooo I'll I have to do now is hope and pray for the best. I did'nt get a negitive response so ...yeah, and he said goodbye to me when I left. I DON'T EVEN CARE!!!!!THIS IS ME NOT CARING!!!!
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(no subject) [Aug. 9th, 2006|12:31 am]
arterialxfear
Hello!!!!I feel the most content I have felt in like two weeks I talked somethings out with some friends of mine my friend Kat worked out things with her mom and things are just really nice right now and I'm very thankful for that!!!!!!! I did't get to talk to The boy I like about going to the movies but I did get to talk to him he's soooo great I don't even kno.....ok I do know and I definatley care!!!!!!I was really frustrated about situations with my friends especially Kat. But I was just kind of ignoring it, when I ignore things that frustrate me they turn into anxiety attacks(yeah I know fun stuff right). They had actually began to get better untill this stuff this gayness. I'm learning alot right now about how I don't have control or people or things that happen around me. I only have control over myself and my actions, and when I think of that I relize that that is alot easier than trying to stop the wind and catch it and stuff which I tend to try to do alot. I'm still learning though but I like learning so it all good. Some people that I was concerned about and was praying about have started to relize that too sooooo... it's cool stuff!!!!



Whats the diffrence between joy and happiness??????
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